he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
