My nipple is on Facebook.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
