Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
