he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize