I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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