I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize