I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
it was like eating out sand paper
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
