My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
