I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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