Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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