Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
