the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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