I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
