Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
