you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
