How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize