First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize