we have officially lost it.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Your penis caused this!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
