I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
