We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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