I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
