Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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