Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have demons in me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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