i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
