I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
