Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
