i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i believe in u and ur pee
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
