Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
