Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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