she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize