We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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