Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
