I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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