My liver just broke up with me...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize