You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
