Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
