Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
