Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
