And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
