Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
