Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
