A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
