don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
