Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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