"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
