He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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