fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
