Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I will be naked everywhere
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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