I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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