the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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