I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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