He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
well you can't waste a boner
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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