I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize