Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
