I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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