Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
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