this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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