you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
should my penis look like a turkey
it's like heaven, but drunker
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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